Do you think closure is important?
If you don’t get that does it mean you can never recover from the brokenness that one feels inside?
Does it mean it becomes harder to move forward as you constantly ask yourself what did I do wrong?
Does it ultimately mean the tears won’t stop coming to your eyes?
What was this that was so bad and evil that made him decide that you are no longer the right fit for him?
Wasn’t the love real enough to atleast make you feel the need to say that Herr is what we need to work on for the better
Or wasn’t it there at all?
Wasn’t the time spent together important or worthwhile to say I’d like more of that and less of this whenever we were not in good terms?
The questions that come with not getting closure become harder to answer because going to the source who remember at this point does not want to be with you is not really an option.
So you are there to fill in the gaps on your own,to forgive yourself and to learn how to heal,day by day,step by step.
It’s at this moment when my heart sunk
Because you have moved on
I will not lie that it makes me okay
That I’m stuck as you progress
Because I wish my feelings will digress
Or I could find a hobby to keep my mind of things
But I’m going to be honest and say I’m sad
I’m jealous of the way you are happy
Happy without me.
What if the person your with is not your soulmate?
What if it is all but a waste of time?
What is the happiness doesn’t last forever?
What if one day,he says you aren’t enough?
What if one day,he shows you the door,bye,I don’t need you anymore?
What if one day,the distance becomes apparent and silence become so loud?
What if he says he doesn’t love you anymore?
What if it was all but a lie, what if it was nothing but hurt that remains?
What if you lose it all in the name of love?
Up and about in town,I see this man approaching,rugged clothes,no shoes,I see him coming..I see him heading my way…cross the road or walk really fast…oops too late..he is already here.’Ma’am I’m hungry,spare some change!’And quickly I use the newest Kenyan proverb around “si leo”!!
It’s lunch time now,some fries are in order,after all,its Friday, I have been job hunting all week..Now here comes a homeless kid,standing at the entrance of the cafe,“Nisaidie siste,Leo Niko njaa”I think to myself,even this kids..they are used to this habit,I had planned my lunch,How can I not treat myself..so looking away I harshly say “si Leo”
It’s evening now….I’m walking down to go home,kids on the streets,hoping your needs they will meet,asking you to buy from them sweets…Aargh!!Again I say “si Leo!”
I go back home,I tried the hustle.Mother asks“how was your day,“okay.” I lay in bed,ready to read His word,to receive his message.I cry to Him,Lord why am I not prospering, why can’t I get a job,why won’t you help me…Here I am in my bed,waiting on God…all I could here,loud and clear,louder than ever in my ear,…“SI LEO”
I feel so hollow, is there a heart somewhere that I could borrow
A heart that’s strong, that doesn’t break when things go wrong
A heart of gold that no matter how weary,how tired it is of beating,it doesn’t grow old.
A heart that knows how to stop those feelings,those emotions that bring in so much pain,so much hurt,so much ache and feeling of no hope
A heart that doesn’t feel like its lagging behind,when you move on with your life.A heart that doesn’t get jealous that you are happy,and happy with your new wife.
A heart that doesn’t feel this,a heart that is always at peace,A heart that isn’t left with this hole,trying to find what you took with you,the broken piece.
A heart that is strong,because mine can’t fight anymore,That pain,that unshakeable feeling of loss,feeling of pain.
Is there really?A heart so pure so gently cared for?So free to love again.
I wish I could unmeet you.If I could,I would.The you that decided when to love and when to not.The you that was so full of himself there was no space for me.I wish I could unmeet that you that had that much of an ego,to never accept when he was wrong,to never apologize for the right things but turn things around to insinuate that I am the one who should be begging for apologies for your wrongdoings.I want to unmeet the person who was so consumed by his status,that how I spoke became a problem,my shyness which was something I was working on became so queer to you.As if this three years,you didn’t know all along who I was.I want to unmeet the person you slowly became because in as much as my love for you,strong as it was,refused to admit,you were no longer the person I fell for..but a reflection of how people change and yet having that big ego still prefer to blame it on time.
I am naturally an emotional person,I cry watching sad movies,when a sad story is told,I cry when I am happy and even when I am in doubt.YOU hated this,Its something that you couldn’t really stand. I realise that to you it wasn’t about me feeling how I feel and expressing myself .It wasn’t about my well being really.it was a hate that grew because you couldn’t stomach me being bare to you,around you and with you.You could not handle the fact that I needed a shoulder,you barely even gave me your hand.It really wasn’t about my pain..because for you there was no gain.”Don’t cry!”I hear the whispers of your voice anytime I am about to break down about an issue.”This isn’t how to go about it,we are in a public place,control yourself”I would do my best to honor your wishes.Wipe my tears and man up!You were the boss after all.What you said mattered most to me.I lost my self, maybe even my emotions trying to fit in your system, trying to be beautiful in your eyes,trying to be who you pictured you were in love with.But I realise now it was not me.